A Pirate's Night Before Christmas (Clement Clarke Moore, revised by David Ruffin)
T'was the night before Christmas and far out ta sea
The pirates was sleepin´ as snug as could be
"Cept me, the lookout, I´m walkin´ the deck
I knew if I didn´t they´d sure stretch me neck
So now you can imagine it was quite a surprise
When a light in the distance come unto me eyes.
I peered thru the spyglass, then let out a hoot,
For out on the billows I spied some old coot.
There was nary a reindeer, and neither a sleigh,
But eight silver dolphins was pullin´ a red dingy my way.
And there at the tiller was ol´ Cap´n Nick,
Who called to them dolphins and that did the trick.
Yo Ho Teach, Yo Ho Bonnet, argh Conditt and Tew
Avast Moody and Roberts, Rackham and Every, too
Over those white caps, now heave along side.
And there by the gun-ports, the dingy he tied.
I run to the railin´ and peered down the side
Then scurried back aft ´hind the capstan to hide.
And whilst I was peekin´ a seabag come flyin´,
Heaved to the deck by ol´ Nick, I´m not lyin´.
Then right over the railin´ that dog comes a slidin´
And rolls cross the deck while me time I´m just bidin´.
He tries to stand upright, that scurvy old bastard
But falls in the scuppers, the old fart was plastered.
He was fat as a lard tub, with only one eye
And a great big ol´ stump hung below his left thigh.
A hook for a hand shone in the moon´s glow
And he stank like the bilges or a Port Royal ´Ho
His coat it was tattered, his boots, not so shiny
And his trousers hung low, I could just see his hiney.
In the braids of his beard I could see some burned matches
And I´m thinkin´ it ´bout time I battened me hatches.
I crawled past the mizzen and was headed below
When right over the railin´, some chunks he did blow.
Then he turned with a smile that showed off his last tooth
And scratched at his crotch, My God! He´s uncouth.
But he jacked up his trousers and he turned to his bag
And grabbed out a present and was readin´ the tag.
A pistol for Captain, for the Bosun a whistle,
For the swabbie a new brush that had only one bristle.
He kept at his labor ´till he emptied his sack
Then run off to the galley ta find him a snack.
But instead of a cookie or some jam on a bun,
He stumbled back topside with a bottle of Rum.
I thought he had missed me but I was mistaken.
He winked his good eye towards where I stood a shakin´.
He stuck a fat finger inside his red nose
And pulled out a booger which he flicked at his toes.
He glanced round the deck to take stock of his work
Tossed over his seabag and turned with a jerk
He reached in his pocket and rolled him a fag
Then lit it and leaned on the rail for a drag
As I stood entranced the rail give a creak
The splash down below told me Old Nick was takin´ a leak.
He adjusted his mainmast and shook off his boot
I called over to him, "Yo, thanks for the loot!"
He saluted back at me, then sprung into motion
But he missed the red dingy and fell in the ocean.
Which startled the dolphins, but he grabbed ´hold the line,
Shoutin´, "Merry Christmas, ye bugger. Don´t worry. I´m fine!"
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